It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He passed out mid-signature
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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