I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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