just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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