please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
he fucked my hip out of place.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
