i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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