Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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