At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
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