dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
