Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
