You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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