My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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