Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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