do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
