I can't breathe out the right side of my face
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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