I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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