as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
