you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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