I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
how drunk are you?
Several
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
