Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
