I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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