i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
