Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
