i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
