You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
