i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
