I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
did you just send me my own nude
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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