I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
