mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
