everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
