Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
