Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
