mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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