my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just want to make out with him forever
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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