Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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