remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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