he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Randomize
