Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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