My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
