just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
