can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
