anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
