A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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