I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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