Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
