I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
