Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
