She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
