dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
