My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
