So drunk its hurt
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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