I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Randomize
