The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
